The Theory of Dark Suckers

10 Cents and I were discussing light bulbs on the late night phone call. And it brought to mind an old piece of text explaining why we should not call them light bulbs, but rather “dark suckers”. I have not the time to convert this old text to incorporate the newer LED type of dark suckers, but here it is in the older format.


The Theory of Dark Suckers

For years it was believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs do not emit light, they suck dark. Thus we will now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has a mass heavier than light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than it is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things dark suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of dark they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker.

A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, today’s primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. These bulbs can’t handle all of the dark themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.

The immense power of the dark can be utilized to man’s advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines which generates electricity and helps push dark to the ocean, where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean.

The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help the dark along its way.

Finally we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, it has been stated that dark suckers make our lives much easier, so the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.


Author: G.D.

I'm from Pensyltucky. Can trace my ancestry directly to whom the present day national anthem of Poland is written about.

7 thoughts on “The Theory of Dark Suckers”

  1. So it is the opposite of a dark hole. It is a light hole which won’t allow darkness out. How does the light bulb suck the darkness and still retain a near vacuum? 🙂

  2. 10 Cents:
    So it is the opposite of a dark hole. It is a light hole which won’t allow darkness out. How does the light bulb suck the darkness and still retain a near vacuum? 🙂

    Darkwell’s Demon shovels it down the wire.  When the dark stops arriving at the power station, sometimes they give off a great amount of light, er, engage in super-critical dark suction which emits a sudden loud sound.  Explosions are dark cavitation.

  3. When I first got involved in realistic image rendering and ray tracing in the late 1980s (I was the instigator and lead developer of AutoShade, which was released in September 1987, and was one of the first mass-market three-dimensional (3D) rendering programs on the market), I ran into a curious property of light sources.

    You build a model by placing 3D objects in space, specifying their colour and surface properties, positioning a camera and setting its lens attributes, and placing light sources.  For each light source, you specify its colour, breadth of dispersion (spot or flood) and, most interestingly, its intensity.

    You could specify the intensity in Red, Green, and Blue, but most interestingly, these values could be negative.  They could be dark bulbs!

    A dark bulb emits darkness and, if it has a colour, subtracts that colour from the scene.  Colour artists in the theatre and cinema can only add light, but in CGI (computer-generated imagery) we can subtract light and colour to make the image just right.

    We have dark bulbs!

  4. 10 Cents:
    So it is the opposite of a dark hole. It is a light hole which won’t allow darkness out. How does the light bulb suck the darkness and still retain a near vacuum? 🙂

    Nature abhors a vacuum.


  5. There was an old horror movie — from the 1980s — which featured a “Lighthouse of Darkness”, with accompanying special effects.

    Conversations such as this are not only fun, but educational.  At the particle level, most of the bizarre ideas are true.  About the only thing we cannot fully reverse is the arrow of time, some parity.  Yet most of these break down when we scale up around the molecular level.  You don’t have to go far up the scale to leave the realm of the particle.


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