If Courtrooms were like Congress

Bailiff: Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Oh, and I should have told you: if you have any trouble locating your right hand, just let the court know, and we will recess until we can get you some help.

Witness: I…I….

Judge: Take your time, take all the time you need. And if you had trouble understanding what the bailiff meant by “truth”, or “tell”, we will recess until we can get you some help.

Witness: (teary-eyed) oh…thank you your Honor. I….I…..DO!

Judge: very brave! Proceed, counsel.

Lawyer: please state your name.

Witness: Ima Fibber.

Lawyer: Thank you, Ms. Fibber. Very brave! And now, would you tell us about yourself, beginning with memories of your own parents, dwelling upon their ethnic origins, continuing with your own earliest childhood memories, not omitting any dreams you may be able to remember and any dreams or nightmares your parents may have recounted tp you, together with a catalogue of your favorite foods as your preferences evolved and changed during your life up to the present day. Please speak up so the court reporter can hear every word. Unless you are volume-challenged, in which case I will request His Honor to recess until we can get you some help. And please, unless overwhelmed by emotion, try to avoid any sudden verbal ejaculations so as not to disturb any members of the jury who may have dozed off. And—(turns to judge) if I may, Your Honor— I would like to assure the members of the jury that if any of them are narcoleptic and may have been insulted by my reference to daytime napping, which in two seconds retrospect may have been ill-thought out, the court will recess until we can get them some help.

Judge: Of course, counsel. That’s just who we are, in MY courtroom! However, speaking of recess, it’s about time for our first one of the session. (Gavels). We are adjourned! We will resume as soon as I can get me some help.

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5 thoughts on “If Courtrooms were like Congress”

  1. 10 Cents:
    Hyp, do you think Adam Schiff is helping his cause?

    Does it matter? Partisans are not going to be swayed on either side. And the middle who are likely not paying any attention to this won’t care until there is a verdict, so to speak.

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  2. Robert A. McReynolds:

    10 Cents:
    Hyp, do you think Adam Schiff is helping his cause?

    Does it matter? Partisans are not going to be swayed on either side. And the middle who are likely not paying any attention to this won’t care until there is a verdict, so to speak.

    Yes, it matters.

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  3. Um…..do I actually have to affix the “humor” tag  to get a guffaw outta you people?  Never mind.  If you have to ask…..

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